they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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