What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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