If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
