I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
