this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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