I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
