omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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