Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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