I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
