your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
