did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
