I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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