If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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