I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
