Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
