why didn't you poke me back
so explain again why im purple
no
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
