Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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