Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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