You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
