i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
how does that bad decision feel?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
