She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Buhtt sex?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
