i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
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