I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The air was thick with penises
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
