Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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