I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
