I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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