why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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