Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
