I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i will never coherently bang her
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
