there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
