I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
