you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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