Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
