All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
