you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
