what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
