The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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