What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
