just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
