I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize