Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
They took my balls.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions