I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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