No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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