walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
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God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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