Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
