you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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