I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We left the knife in your bed.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
