maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
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I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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