How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think my moral compass just broke
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
