yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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