I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
