so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
