i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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