all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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