the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
His nipple licking is glorious
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