Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
